‘Emotionally cheating counts’: Woman feels bad that she found out her bf was texting his ex by snooping through his phone, internet says cheating trumps invasion of privacy

Author image for Elna McHilderson
Elna McHilderson • Managing Editor
Oct 3, 2024 12:00 PM EDT

Where do you draw the line in relationships when it comes to privacy? Some might say if you have nothing to hide, then why would it even matter if your partner went through your phone? Others might think that is a huge invasion of privacy. But there are so many blurry lines here. What if one of the partners has a suspicion that the other is cheating? What if they tried talking to them about it at first and the other partner was avoidant, or worse, aggressive about it? Is it okay to go through their phone now because your intuition is screaming at you to? 

 

That is what happened with this woman who came to Reddit seeking advice. She felt bad because her boyfriend was upset at her for going through his phone. However, when she did, she found him texting his ex things like "I miss you" and "thinking about you." Emotionally cheating can sometimes sting worse than physical, so when she approached him she felt like she had the upper hand. And yet, he seemed to have successfully gaslit her into thinking she was in the wrong for invading his privacy. But don't worry! The internet left her comment after comment hoping to help her see the light—that her soon-to-be ex is a gaslighting cheater. Read the entire situation and responses below! 

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  • 01
    "The relationship is over. Phone snooping is not ideal, but his cheating trumps that."
    via Unspalsh+ (and Kev Costello)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    1 (34F) snooped through my boyfriend's (36M) phone- Got exactly what I deserve My (34F) boyfriend (36M) have been together for 9 months. Prior to us getting together he was married for a few years, but he found out she had been having an affair with someone out of state. We started dating through the separation and after the divorce had been finalized. Both of us had some trauma we were dealing with, but I thought we could work through it together. More recently, I'd
    via Snuggly_Raptor
  • 03
    become concerned that our relationship had become stagnant. I had fallen in love with him months ago, but was too scared to say it. But there was no signs of moving forward in the relationship or growing outside of our normal routine. We'd met eachother's friends and families and he had been with me through some pretty tough personal situations. To everyone looking in we seemed completely in love, but at the rate we were going I was afraid I'd never hear it. I couldn't understand what was stoppi
    via Snuggly_Raptor
  • 04
    This past weekend, we were staying at a friends lake house for a wedding. At one point he went jet skiing with a friend, and I stayed behind to start getting ready for said wedding. His phone had been blowing up, and unfortunately my trauma got the best of me, and I snooped. I found exactly what I deserved to find; he was texting his ex wife.
    via Snuggly_Raptor
  • 05
    This wasn't just casual conversation. He was sending her things like 'I'm thinking about you' and every time she told him she missed him he replied with 'I miss you too'. I am heartbroken. These were things he said to me. When I confronted him, he apologized. After of course trying to deny everything. I decided to make the hour drive back home and skip the wedding. I was upset and I didn't want to ruin the mood.
    via Snuggly_Raptor
  • 06
    Today when I asked him why, he didn't really give me an answer other than he knew what he said to her was wrong. He did however tell me that I crossed a line by going through his phone and he wants to take a break from us for a while. I don't know what to feel. I'm sad that this might be the end, but I'm mad that this has all somehow been turned into all my fault. Don't get me wrong, I shouldn't have gone through his phone. I definitely made a mistake. But now instead of being in the dark about
    via Snuggly_Raptor
  • 07
    What should I do? Is this end or is there a way to salvage this? Please help me. Its been a long time since I've been happy, and I feel like I ruined it again. TLDR: Went through my boyfriends phone. Found out he was texting his ex wife, and now he wants to take a break 'for a while' because he feels I crossed a line.
    via Snuggly_Raptor
  • 08
    *UPDATE* Dear subreddit /relationship_advice, I want to thank you all for your kind words, your cruel words, the encouraging words, and some of the totally unrelated and weird words. I know none of you know me, but personally I've always considered myself somewhat of a disappointment. And I'm so sorry to let you know that I've gone and disappointed the majority of you that wanted me to be strong. I tried this morning. To no one's surprise he's
    via Snuggly_Raptor
  • 09
    definitely done with me, and I am still heartbroken. You're probably all wondering why or how I could still want this to work. Simply put, it has been my experience that when you've be so alone for so long you will try to hang on to anything that has given you even a glimpse of hope and happiness, because going back to the alternative is so miserable. I'm sorry to disappoint and let you guys down. I just wanted to be happy.
    via Snuggly_Raptor
  • 10
    Internal_Ad_3455 Make this break permanent. He is mad he got caught and trying to turn it around on you. There is better out there Mz_Tripp Take it as a sign. You dodged a bullet. He's clearly not over her or anywhere near ready to be in a relationship. Let him go for good.
    via Internal_Ad_3455
  • 11
    kd819 Yep, the relationship is over. Phone snooping not ideal but his cheating trumps that. (Emotional cheating counts.) You both need time away from each other - probably time alone to heal - but because you can't control what he does, only what you do, you should work on your issues alone and work out why you are even considering letting someone treat you like this. Good luck.
    via kd819
  • 12
    Sea-Still5427 Agreed. He's equating two things that are very different in a sad attempt to regain some moral high ground. He's knowingly going behind the OPs back and not being honest or respectful to her.
    via Sea-Still5427
  • 13
    GeriatricSFX How dare you catch me cheating, what a innocent nice guy your BF is /s Was it wrong that you looked in his phone? Yes it was and if he had done nothing wrong he would have the high moral ground but he did do something wrong and not only is what he did much worse than what you did it also played a big part in why you did look in his phone. Dont let him spin this into a you being the villain. He is the one having a full out emotional affair with his ex wife, not you.
    via GeriatricSFX
  • 14
    margheritinka Yea. He's trying to deflect his guilt onto you by blaming you about his phone. Manipulative. If you didn't have a gut feeling, you wouldn't have gone through the phone. Now you know and can have closure and move on. ddouchecanoe And also could be using the request for a break as an easy means to consider exploring things with his ex wife again.
    via margheritinka
  • 15
    Substantial_Map_4744 Yes, what he is doing is wrong. Personally, anyone separated or going through a divorce needs to be single for a while. It seems he rushed right into another relationship and wasn't fully done with his prior one Olive Farming Terrified to be alone, some people are like that, and have never lived on their own- could be emotionally based or convenience based.
    via Substantial_Map_4744
  • 16
    Indigocell The righteous indignation people have around here for "crossing the line" of checking someone's phone is ridiculous to me. This isn't a court of law. She doesn't need a warrant. She didn't find, "exactly what she deserved" she found exactly what she was suspicious of. She deserved to have a surprise party ruined at worst, not being cheated on lol. Turning it around on her like that is pure deflection so that she can feel guilty when in fact, it was he that crossed a line. If he didn't
    via indigocell
  • 17
    GazelleFresh5454 Right. Your intuition was already telling you something was off. Then his phone is blowing up. I'd have looked too even if I wasn't suspicious. It could have been an emergency or something. The fact that he turned it around on you saying he needs space because you looked is complete bullshit. He's gaslighting you.
    via GazelleFresh5454
  • 18
    PartyPerspective382 I asked this same question and got attacked. Would you rather look at someone's phone if you knew it could save you years or even months of your life blindly trusting someone pulling the wool over your eyes? Looking at a phone really shouldn't be that big a deal If you aren't hiding anything.
    via PartyPerspective382
  • 19
    Savings-Ad-3607 Don't let yourself be gaslit. He did the wrong thing he was having an emotional affair with his ex. You're better off ending it and letting him go back to his cheating ex. jvnya Yes this and also don't go back when he realizes that he made the biggest fucking mistake in going back to his ex wife when HE left her for having an affair... ironic lol let them go back to each other and I hope you find someone who will make you feel like the most amazing woman in the world.
    via Savings-Ad-3607
  • 20
    WinterFront1431 What I'd message him. "You can take an infinity break from me, I'm not interested in working this out. You and your ex deserve each other as you are now a cheat like her. Good luck to you both. " Then block. You did nothing wrong. If my boyfriend left his phone behind and it was blowing up, I'd look too, in case it's an emergency.
    via WinterFront1431
  • 21
    sunflowerrr36 To me that's the thing, I look at my partner's phone all the time. He gets texts for his work that are important and time sensitive but sometimes his friends will be blowing up the group chat. When he has left his phone around me I'll check to see who texted him to see if it's important enough to bring attention. to it. OP did what any reasonable person would do if their partner's phone was blowing up
    via sunflowerrr36

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boyfriend relationship advice break up dump him dating drama couples therapy relationships girlfriend cheating couples exes ex wife divorce cheater love breaking up ex husband Reddit heartbreaking dating dating advice
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